(which should surprise no one)

The May 26th issue of National Review Online has what they call the "50 greatest conservative rocks songs" of all time.  The trouble is, the writer, John J Miller, apparently has no idea of what a conservative is.  I would think that if I was going to label something, I would get a good definition first.  Miller seems to have no need for such niceties; he slaps "conservative" on 50 songs as if he has a clue.  He doesn't.

The game is up with his #1 song: "Won't get fooled again."   This is, of course, the greatest rock song of all time; no doubt about that (in my book).  Conservative, however, it ain't:

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again

This isn't conservatism; this is cynicism, no belief in the possibility of revolution.  In England, in the early 70s when Pete Townsend wrote this song, there was so little difference between Tories and Labour; the revolutions of the Left were going nowhere, and so many of those who had led revolutions in the name of the people turned into tyrants.  There's nothing conservative about this view.  "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss."  It's only conservative if your view is that only conservatives have a realistic view of modern history.

#2 is "Taxman" by The Beatles.  I've long believed that right-wingers have no sense of humor (name me one funny person on the right, and no, PJ O'Rourke is not funny).  Apparently they also have no sense of irony.  Holy crap, did this guy really take John Lennon at face value?  Is he that stupid?  Apparently, yes.

#4 "Sweet Home Alabama" Lynyrd Skynryd
#5 "Wouldn't It Be Nice" Beach Boys
Ok, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  Skynyrd was being proud of their state's
heritage and had to protect it from Neil Young's evil attacks on George Wallace.  And the Brian Wilson song is just lame.

#6 "Gloria" by U2
One of the ways to overthrow the status quo is to take its symbols and turn it against "them."  A raw, rough rock band from Ireland singing in Latin is not "beautifully reactionary" -- it's revolutionary.  Am I right or Miller?  Bono's subsequent career gives me this one.

#7 "Revolution" The Beatles
Again, taking Lennon & McCartney at face value.  This song railed against both great conservative powers of the 60s: Euro-American capitalism and Soviet Communism.   Both systems stank for the Fab Four, as they demonstrated repeatedly (John returning his MBE). 

Conservatives believe in and support the status quo, tradition, the powers that maintain "order" and "morality."  Some of the songs in the list attack liberal political goals -- there are several anti-choice songs, written by men, of course -- but for the most part, Miller just has no clue about the nature of rock and irony.

#10 "20th Century Man" The Kinks
Sweet mercy, if nothing proves how clueless and idiotic this list is, calling this song conservative has to do it.  This song was not commissioned by the Hoover Institute; it's rock and freaking roll.  Taking this song's words at face value simply proves the need to stop listening to rock and roll and walking off into the desert to smoke peyote for about 15 years.  Maybe the guy will get a clue by then.

#20 "Rock the Casbah" The Clash
Conservative because Britsh soldiers like it?  The goddamn song rocks big time.  Of course they love it.  I love it!

#31 "Small Town" John Mellancamp
You know, it's possible to believe in family, community and hard work and not be a conservative.  Here in the 21st Century, in fact, it's those on the left who believe in such things; conservatives want their wealth via government handouts and tax cuts.  They want to invest in the stock market and let the work of others make them rich.  Mellencamp's love of Ohio is not conservative; it's natural.  Most of us love our home, and over here on the Left, we want to make it better and even celebrate it.  The Right sees home as a means of maximizing profit.

#43 "Wonderful" Everclear
This one really pisses me off.  Knowing how hard Art Alexakis works for progressive politics is only part of my denial of Miller's placement of this song here.  Mostly, however, it's being both the child of divorce and a divorced father.  I know exactly what Art is saying here, and it's not anti-divorce.  It's anti-lies.  It's acknowledging the pain of divorce.  He's not saying divorce should not happen; he's singing a song that communicates the pain, the anger, the confusion.  It's honest, not conservative.

Anyway, John J Miller hasn't got a rock bone in his body, and he needs to read some political science textbooks.  Most of all, he needs to take his list down cuz, damn dude, you're embarrassing yourself.

"Meet the new dork, same as the old dork."